got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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