i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
