I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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