Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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