Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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