We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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