I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Screwed.edu
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
