i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
