There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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