Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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