I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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