Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
