I've blown a few things in my day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
