Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
