I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
