You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
