Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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