Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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