I haven't been this sober since birth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
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I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize