Do you still have your period?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
