I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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