I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
