Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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