I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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