bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
