oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
