k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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