If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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