Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
