I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
