Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
