i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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