toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
