So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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