I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
