Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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