Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
