dude i'm inner monologue high
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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