i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
