even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
