What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
