my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
