I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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