Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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