Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
