This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
