i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
