It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
