You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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