you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
