He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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