you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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