We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
