Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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