u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
