Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
