Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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