I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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