Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
