i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
